Hamish walked down the hallway with long elegant strides.
The soft silk of his grey suit pants made a sssh sssh sound as they passed stone walls and massive paintings of long dead kings.
The leather of his shoes made thud thud sounds as they tapped over the ancient oriental rug.
The gold of his cufflinks dutifully stayed silent as their master habitually fixed his cuffs.
His maroon ascot juvenilely wrinkled as Hamish looked into the giant mirror outside the Boardroom. The mirror’s iron wrought edges formed spikes and saws that invaded the surrounding space.
Hamish looked into the mirror and patiently scanned over his decadent clothes. His pale green eyes did not look back at him in the mirror. Hamish only saw a magnificent suit with no head and no hands. Three centuries since he was turned and he still could not get used to the absence of his reflection.
He knew he was beautiful. Or at least he knew he was beautiful as a human. Perfect hair and divine facial features had given him the air of a successful and interesting man. Now his Adonis like features made him look like young and petulant to a vampire.
Hamish fussed with his ascot. He would have preferred a thin black tie with this suit, but vampire fashion trends tended to be very slow moving. The ascot would probably be in vogue for another century or two. Once the ascot was perfect, Hamish’s pale long fingered hands paused and resumed their place at their masters side. He needed to be taken seriously today.
Hamish pushed open two giant wooden doors whose trees had been planted before he was born in 1706. Well, born the first time at least.
Hamish’s ears were greeted by the guttural hiss of vampire chit chat.
Old, well dressed vampires littered the room like ancient books on a long forgotten shelf. Very few of the Vampire Council acknowledged his presence. At a childish three hundred and twelve years old, Hamish’s status was that of twenty five year old human Wall Street Banker sitting in with the Board of Trustees.
Counselor Vlad looked up at Hamish briefly. The senior vampire had been the one to turn Hamish back in New Jersey (before it was called anything). Vlad had taken a strong interest in Hamish’s precociousness and had fast tracked Hamish from local leadership up into the Council.
Victor the Historian seemed to melt into the red velvet couch he sat on, his decrepit body creaking with every minor movement. One of the oldest vampires in the room, he routinely forgot about electricity and was staring a the filament bulb above him like a cat watching a hummingbird.
Viceroy Bartholomew licked his lips as his ice blue eyes met Hamish’s. Bartholomew was the Viceroy of Sex & Blood. He controlled a large portion of the Council’s budget. His coveted position consisted mostly of hosting Masquerade Balls and Orgies. Hamish and Bartholomew had had particularly violent sex half a century ago and Hamish fully intended to use their encounter to his advantage today.
Hamish’s pale green eyes scanned the room until they found their master’s opponent today. Baron Graves sat with his long legs crossed at a massive green chair in the corner. Sycophant vampires crowed around him, trying to vie favor from the Baron of Human Myth.
Graves’ essential position in the Council involved the mass influence of their food source, the humans. The Baron had been elected three centuries ago and was a genius at moving human minds.
Graves got his start in politics with his invention of Jack the Ripper. The phenomenon grew into the propaganda of the serial killer, the random murderer and the terrorist. Random Acts of Violence or the Eighth Human Myth was very successful. It is a lot easier to cover up a vampire eating a human a month when the livestock are used to seeing human death and violence at regular intervals. The brilliant tactic saved the Council billions in coverup costs and had catapulted him to godlike status among the immortal vampires.
Around 0 AD, the livestock was fairly docile towards vampire attacks being written off as war and murder, but vampire sightings were still very high. Graves discovered a truly delicious solution - Alcohol. With a population of constant drinkers, memory of vampire sightings become blurry and incoherent. General placidity of the population increased with the newly dubbed Tenth Human Myth. Throughout the centuries he promoted the act of drinking through his influence (even going so far as calling drinking alcohol, drinking). He incorporated drinking into all of the holidays and ceremonies he created.
Additionally, he suppressed the use of vampire hazardous drugs. No vampire wanted their prey walking around stoned and paranoid - looking for dark shapes around every corner.
Graves went on to pioneer the creation of Sports and Competition. Humans were killing themselves far to much via war and pillaging - the population declining. He took the blood lust that humans innately craved and shifted it into athletics. Combining the excellence in sports to masculinity was a particularly mischievous touch for the Twelfth Human Myth.
His most recent project was the Heath and Wellness revolution. Food that exercises is much much tastier.
Hamish’s jaw squeezed against his masters teeth in preparation. Hamish must go head to head with Graves if he wanted his vital motion to pass today.
Hamish was the Royal Alchemist of the Council. The newest position to be added to the Council, Hamish oversaw all technical aspects of the human world. As the vampire’s food started to gain knowledge, the vampires begrudgingly created a position to make sure the livestock never surprised the vampires with a fancy catapult or a new type of stake.
Hamish considered himself a scientist. With sixteen PHDs and a number of Master degrees, he kept up to speed with the humans advances. He occasionally helped with the darker human inventions like the Atom Bomb, the flamethrowers and Agent Orange, which Hamish found delicious. His last decade of study into the environmental science, population genetics and meteorology had lead him down a more impactful path. Perhaps this would after all, be the hill he died on.
The grandfather clock chimed twelve long bongs and the Council took their seats. The cushions of the wooden chairs barely registered the feathery weight of their masters.
Councilor Vlad called the meeting of the Council to order by stabbing the ceremonial rib into the stomach of a wide eyed virgin chained to the wall and passed around the silver cups of blood to all of the Council Members.
The meeting passed with the familiar platitudes. Which castle to host the Blood Moon Gala? Reminders not to turn into a bat in front of the livestock. The meeting only grew slightly more interesting when the Council decided which new humans to turn this year. This JK Rowling character would prove to be a very interesting vampire.
“Now, onto the next matter at hand” declared Councilor Vlad
“The Royal Alchemist has a motion he would like to bring to the Council’s attention”
The Council collectively let out a hiss. Not only were the Board Members hungry, but the thought of a speaker under five hundred years old contributing in a meeting brought a number of long canines flashing.
“Thank you Counscilor” cooed Hamish’s obedient lips and tongue.
“My fellow Board members, I would like to bring to your attention the most pressing human concern since the Spanish Flu”
A number of ears perked up at this. Stomachs remembered their master’s hunger during the famine of the Spanish Flu.
“Humans have been through a large an unprecedented population growth, which while is advantageous to our surplus of food, also poses a problem to the global food chain.”
“The humans, to speed their growth, are producing a large amount of chemicals known as Greenhouse Gasses. If they produce enough of these chemicals, they will cause the world to warm and for weather to become more volatile - subsequently affecting the human’s food supply causing massive human population decline in the next several centuries.”
Hamish had chosen his words very carefully, some of the Council were still getting used to writing without quills. The Council started to pay attention. No vampire liked going hungry, livestock decline is a serious vampire issue.
“How do we get them to stop making these, Greenhouse gasses?” chirped Bartholomew. All eyes were now on Hamish.
“Human’s produce Greenhouse in a number of different ways. It would take significant work to curtail all of their production. So I propose we attack the biggest producer with the least amount of effort.”
“The most potent of these Greenhouse gasses is a substance called methane which the humans have been accidentally producing via their own livestock - cows.”
“Humans currently enslave 1.5 billion cows which contribute to 28% of the total Greenhouse gas emissions. In the United States, humans use 45% of their land for food production. Of that 85% is used for beef alone, in other words, 42% of all the land is used for beef. Even though beef only contributes less than a fifth of the humans total calories.”
“My proposed solution to the human decline is one that can be done with minimal human intervention. It is fast, it is easy, its is effective and all we have to do is nothing” said Hamish, pausing before his next words that would either be a guiding light or a guillotine.
“Baron Graves, I propose that we halt the third Human Myth immediately”
The silence in the room cut through the air like a sharp bite to the pale neck of a handmaiden. The Third Human Myth was one of the oldest and most popular myths from multiple millennia ago. The Myth associated the consumption of meat with human masculinity - the Story of the Hunter. Strong Human men eat meat and provide meat for their families. The consumption of meat was ingrained in every Holiday and Celebration that the Vampire created for the humans. The Christmas Ham, the Easter Lamb and the Thanksgiving Turkey.
“Every vampire knows that when livestock that eats meat it tastes better!” cried Victor the Historian. The ancient vampire had barely begun to accept the printing press let alone the challenge of Global Warming.
“That is actually false, sir” said Hamish placidly, his throat calmly constricting.
“I have done a number of double blind studies that prove that there is no taste difference between humans subsiding on a red meat diet vs humans subsiding of a vegetarian or vegan diet. In fact, my research shows the heath of the human increases by a factor of ………”
“Shut up, Amare” snapped Baron Graves strongly
The pejorative word stung Hamish’s ears. The word for a human loving vampire brought back memories of a word he used to be called when he was a human - Faggot.
“Human’s taste better when they are nice and plump with red meat and anyone that thinks otherwise can go lie with them in their shit.” hissed the Baron through bared teeth.
Hamish’s throat betrayed him and stayed silent. His hands committed mutiny and shook. His eyes succumbed to weakness and looked afraid. They looked towards Bartholomew’s eyes, which quickly flicked downwards.
The Council unanimously voted down Hamish’s motion.
After the meeting, Councilor Vlad walked up to his protege.
“That was a stupid fucking move, Hamish. This stunt will push your career back decades”
“I am right about the livestock decline and you know it” said Hamish through gritted teeth
“I suspect you are” sighed Vlad with a weary exhale. “But this is just the way things are. Try again in a century or two”
Hamish stepped out into the crisp night air and was greeted by an unkindness of ravens. They cawed down to him in the crow’s familial way as Hamish briskly walked to the small village down the hill.
Hamish stopped at an old gnarled Oak that stood to the left of the path. The trunk of the Oak was massive and as large as a human house. It must have been as old as Hamish himself. The tree had sprouted next to a boulder and had grown up alongside the giant rock in its adolescence. The tree had grown around the tree like lava and now a portion of the trunk rested on top of the boulder
“How fast you change my friend” confided Hamish gently patting the bark of his compatriot.